How I dodged the P. Diddy bullet

Hola.

Hola.

It's your girl, Erica from America.

Welcome to the Confidence Chronicles podcast.

This podcast is all about helping you stand in who you are.

Stop giving a fuck when people think about you.

Start standing as your fully expressed self, as you are queen as is.

There is no filter needed.

You are fucking awesome.

And I am here to remind you, I'm a confidence coach, a business mentor, a speaker, an authorization, and I am obsessed with women standing up, showing up, and creating their confidence.

And I cannot wait to dig into today's episode with you.

Hello, my friend.

Welcome back to the podcast.

I have been cheating on you with another podcast, and it's been amazing to see the feedback from so many of you that have listened to the Confidence Chronicles podcast and pre ordered my book becoming magnetic.

Because with the pre order of that book that's just coming out basically in January, but the pre order is now.

I did a few amazing bonuses, and one of those bonuses was a private podcast series called becoming magnetic.

And it's literally a sneak peek into the book.

It's an amazing series and will continue to be amazing until January.

And I might even continue it.

Who knows?

But basically, if you pre order the book, you get to listen to all the episodes.

And I talk a lot about how to cultivate magnetism, what magnetism is.

Then we move through the five phases, and then there's so much more coming.

So if you haven't already listened to that, please head to becoming magnetic.

Oops.

Pre order the book.

Just.

That's an alarm for you to pre order the book and make sure that you get your copy of the book and you go to the order form and fill it out.

If you're in America or the UK or in Canada, unfortunately, at the time of recording this in October, basically the Kindle is the only available version.

But here's what I would say to you.

Just get on Google and be like, becoming magnetic, Erica Kramer book and see what pops up.

Because you might be able to get the audible if you're in America.

I was able to order audible with my VPN.

So anyway, whatever thing you order, you're able to put your order number, which is usually the receipt number from Amazon or whatever you bought it from, into the form, and then you can get the bonus freebie.

There's also an amazing quiz that we ran, the becoming magnetic quiz, that's also on becoming magnetic.com dot au.

And it's just fun to check.

How magnetic are you?

Where's your level of magnetism right now?

And it'll give you which phase you're in and then some actions to take depending on the phase.

So even if you pre ordered the book, it's a really fun resources because it's got a lot in there as well.

So there's all the things, my friend, all the things.

So again, everything is in the show notes linked below if in case you want to order or do anything like that.

Today I wanted to share something that, it's pretty wild because I didn't even remember that I had a story about this.

And obviously we've been watching on the news and on social media all the hype and craziness that's happening with puff daddy and the puff daddy saga that continues, the unfortunate, unfortunate things that he's been doing to victims.

And my husband and I were watching something on YouTube and I said to him, oh, my God, I I dodged the p.

Diddy bullet.

And my husband paused while we were watching and was like, what?

Wait, what are you talking about?

And I was like, yeah, I completely forgot.

Like, when I was.

20 07, 20 06 20 07 I lived in Florida.

I lived in Orlando, Florida.

I went a lot to Miami.

It was the year before my husband passed away.

Unfortunately, I started modeling, so I broke my back.

If you haven't listened to this, please head to the Life lesson series where I share everything about my life story.

It's broken down into different episodes because it's fucking massive.

There's a lot of crazy shit that happened in the past and I, to be honest, I didn't know how to talk about it.

So I just started doing podcast episodes about different parts of my life.

So one thing I will say, one caveat is when you've experienced a shitload, a bucket load of traumatic experiences, your memory is not 100% clear.

So I can't remember dates exactly and times exactly and names exactly.

But I remember the experiences that I had.

And so in the podcast, I share all of that.

And we go out drinking and driving.

Bad idea.

Horrific.

Smashed our car.

It was ejected out of the back.

I didn't have a seatbelt on.

I broke my back and had to be taken to emergency.

My husband at the time, Giovanni, was in a coma.

It was a hot mess.

I was in the hospital for 30 days attached to a morphine pump that every five minutes I could push the button.

And it was horrific.

They had put metal in my back fusion.

They fused my spine together, fusion in my ankle, because it broke my ankle pretty badly.

So there's a big metal thing in my ankle.

And then I had to go home and heal, and so I healed for three months at home.

I was trying to learn how to walk again.

I was in a walker.

It was the worst experience ever, but I was, like, 22, I think 22 years old.

So when you break your back or do something crazy and you're in your twenties, you're good.

Like, it's like a baby.

You're very flexible.

Nothing crazy.

I'm 41 now.

If I break my back now, I'm screwed.

Like, it would be so hard to overcome.

So that was a real big wake up call for me.

That was my, like, shook moment.

Like, I felt like the universe shook me and was like, what the fuck are you doing with your life?

You're in the military full time.

You're not following your dreams.

You're not meant to be doing this.

You're not listening to your intuition.

It's not tapped in.

You're drinking alcohol too much.

You're feeling sorry for yourself.

And so I was like, shit, this is, like, I gotta wake up to my reality.

And so that's when I started hair school.

That's when I started modeling.

So I was literally recovering by the bedside messaging photographers and trying to get myself onto shit.

I didn't know how to get into my acting and performing because that's what I wanted to do.

And I thought modeling works.

I live in Florida.

Miami's around the corner.

And so I started my modeling career.

I started being on magazine covers.

I did music videos with Pitbull and all these latino, like, reggaeton artists in Miami.

I started being on magazines and, you know, doing all kinds of stuff, and I was half naked in bikinis.

It was the days of MySpace.

I paid someone, like, $250 to do my MySpace.

Like, page.

I don't know if y'all remember MySpace, but, like, my MySpace was lit.

Like, I had one of the only Myspaces where, like, it was animated, and I, like, jumped out of the water in a bikini.

So ridiculous.

And I was in Massachusetts for quite some time, which is where I'm from originally from Boston.

And his family was like, stay here.

Don't go back to Florida.

You have no one there now.

Like, Gio is gone, so what are you gonna do?

And I was like, I am not staying here.

Like, I just knew that Massachusetts.

And no offense, but where I grew up was not where I was gonna end up.

I was like, hell, no.

I'm not staying.

And I didn't process his death.

I pushed it away.

I was like, I'll be fine.

I'll be all right.

I got this.

I was pushing down my emotions.

I was not facing my reality.

I was not doing the work.

This is why when I speak on the podcast and you're like, yo, it's like you're in my head.

Yeah, because I was your fucking head.

I've lived that shit.

I've pushed shit under the rug.

I've pretended that I was okay.

I've numbed out with alcohol.

You know, I've looked for validation.

Like, all the things I speak about here, I lived it.

It's in my fucking body.

I'm not just intellectually thinking about it.

I'm actually coming from experience.

So I decided to go back to Florida, and I was like, I'm gonna be fine.

I went back to the military, back to work, started modeling hardcore.

And I can't remember this period, if it was May.

So it was my birthday back home in Boston.

I was in Boston in June.

I don't know if it was July, August, September.

But basically I got a message from a guy who's a dj in Orlando, Florida.

Really lovely guy.

And I wish I could remember his name.

He was so sweet.

It was a white guy.

He was lovely.

He was a DJ.

And he said to me, hey, I've got someone from Puff Daddy is making the band.

An executive producer who wants to talk to you.

Like, he's seen your stuff.

He thinks you're beautiful and would love to have you audition for this.

Making the bandaid.

Now, I don't know if you know, but in MTV, Puff Daddy had a show called making the band, and they were continuing on to audition.

There was, like, a boy band or dudes, like, rappers, and then there was, like, danny Kane.

I don't remember if this was the audition for Danny Cain or if this was after, but I remember that he hooked me up with this guy, and he was from Puff Daddy's team.

So we connected on MySpace, and then we got each other's phone numbers.

And basically he was like, we'd love for you to audition for the next round of making the band.

And I'm like, listen, I can't sing.

Like, I wish I could sing.

I really.

I'm not a good singer.

And this was a time where my.

My modeling career was blowing up for me.

Like, at the time, you know, I was.

I was doing really well.

I was becoming known in south Florida.

I was becoming known in Florida, unfortunately.

But fortunately, one of my cousins went to jail, and that's a whole other story.

But anyway, he was like, in the jail, everybody knows you cause you're on all the magazines.

I don't know if that's a good thing or a compliment, but basically the word was getting around, right?

Showing up.

I was doing my thing, and in the space of those three to four months, my modeling took off, my music videos took off, and I had already decided the kind of girl I was going to be in the music videos and in the modeling, I was not going to get naked.

I was not going to get naked.

I was not going to be the girl that twerked and no shade.

That's just not my vibe.

I was not going to be the girl shaking her ass and moving her boobs everywhere and, you know, like, twerking on someone.

I was not her to.

So, like, straight away, I would go to these music videos and be like, to the film producers or directors, like, cool, I'm happy to do this.

I'm happy to stand.

I'm happy to look cute.

I'm happy to sit on a chair and cross my leg and make it, like, fun dance.

I'm not gonna be her.

That girl over there, that's working, that's not me.

They were like, okay.

So I had already had, even though I was traumatized and had issues, I had already had this level of respect for myself that I was like, hell no, I ain't doing that.

So this guy talks to me and he's like, hey, I want you to audition, blah, blah.

I'm like, I'm not a good singer.

He's like, that's cool.

You could be a backup dancer.

You're not really going to sing anyway.

I'm like, this sounds interesting.

Now, mind you, I had just lost my husband three, four months ago.

I was completely fucked.

I was completely traumatized.

I had pushed everything under the rug.

I was drinking heavily, trying to numb out of anything.

I don't remember for those five years after Gio died, there are so many blurse, like, there's full half months where I'm like, what the fuck was I doing modeling?

I don't know.

I don't know what I was doing or who I was hanging out with.

It was terrible.

So, for the record, I was in a bad place, and it was not good.

However, however, the power of your self worth in some concept, even if it's very small, the power of your intuition, even if it's very quiet, and the whisper is like a whisper, the power of you knowing your worth and the power of your boundaries you set for yourself and the expectations that you're like, yes and no.

And this is all from my mother growing up, and I'm so fucking grateful to her.

So I talked to this guy.

He's like, cool.

I'm like, good, I'm ready.

Let's do it.

So I start taking dance classes, like, in high heels.

And there was a dance studio in altamonte or wherever I lived, winter park in Florida near Orlando.

And I was taking these dance classes and high heels, and I was just learning how to dance.

And this guy called me was like, hey, I want you to come to puff daddy's white party.

It's in Miami.

And I always drove to Miami.

It was 3 hours from Orlando.

I always drove.

And he's like, we'll fly you down.

So I was like, don't drive.

We'll fly you.

And I was like, okay, we'll get you a ticket.

Just head to the airport.

We got you.

And I was like, oh, this is so exciting.

Like, not only am I gonna get to audition, but I might get to meet Puff daddy and, like, all the people in the music industry.

Like, this could blow up my career.

This is freaking amazing.

Like, how freaking exciting.

Because I was doing everything myself, hustling to connect with producers, photographers, like, really hustling.

And I was able to do a lot, but this was going to be, like, next level for me.

So I was like, freaking amazing.

So I was on my way to the airport.

Got to the airport, literally sitting, you know, the check in desk is in front of me.

I'm sitting on one of the chairs, and I get a message from this guy, and he's like, hey, can you send me some photos of you that aren't on MySpace?

And I don't know what happened.

The question hit me in an offensive, different way.

I got super offended and pissed off, and it was interesting.

Cause I was like, the fuck?

And then I, like, instantly I wasn't like, oh, send me photos that aren't on my space.

Like, more photos of you.

I instantly went to send me some inappropriate photos, and I was like, what?

Like, what the fuck do you mean?

I'm half naked on MySpace.

What do you want?

What other photos do you want?

I was pissed off.

And then he's like, oh, no, I didn't mean that.

I just met other photos of you.

And I was like, nah.

Like something in that moment.

Thank God, thank God, thank God.

I don't know what would have happened, but knowing me, I am magnetic.

And I love people, and I love attracting people, and I end up being a life of a party, and you can't miss me at a party.

Thank God that in that moment, I was like, nah, this shit doesn't feel good.

Like, my stomach didn't feel good.

I was hot.

I was like, my heart was flustered.

I was angry.

I was frustrated.

Like, how.

What the fuck is this guy trying to do?

Like, I got really pissed off.

So I was like, I'm not going.

So I was like, fuck this.

I went home.

I left the airport, didn't even cancel my flight.

I just didn't show up.

Went home, didn't think about it again.

I think he tried to call me and message me on MySpace.

I'm like, no block.

Fuck you.

Like, I'm done.

That's not.

Not on.

And I just let it go like, nothing, right?

No big deal.

Don't fuck with me.

See you later.

See you next time.

Kept doing my thing, and I think I charge more money.

When I started doing music videos and photo shoots after that, that was it.

That was it.

The guy called me.

What happened?

I'm like, nah, man.

He asked me some weird ass question.

I was like, I'm not down with that.

Fuck that.

That was it.

Moved on.

Parties with thousands of bottles of baby oil.

People that don't even know where puff daddy lives, they're going secretively in cars, ending up at these parties.

Some people are getting invited into the house, and if you go in the house, you have to wear certain shoes.

And if you're not in the house, that means this.

And there's all these celebrities and people having sex and people getting drugged and narcotics and drinking and all.

What a disaster that I prevented.

Thank God.

I can't even say.

I don't even know who saved me from that.

I would say my intuition.

I would say my mom raising me to always go, if anybody touches you here, private, like, private areas, and it doesn't feel good.

You tell me.

My mom's awareness of my body, that she taught me when I was five years old in the bathtub.

My sexual abuse at five years old, my sexual abuse at nine years old, all the abuse that I've had.

Like, I was aware, I was hyper aware.

And when you're traumatized everything, you're hyper aware of everything right now.

If somebody makes noises at night in my house, I'm like, what was that?

Like, my husband's always like, relax.

But I'm like, dude, my house got broken into every year for, like, 15 years.

I'm hyper aware of my house and the sounds, and I will always have that in my body, unfortunately.

Fortunately, I don't know.

So I had that.

And I honestly will say to you, it makes me a little bit emotional thinking about it.

I will say to you that that thing that I had, that.

That feeling that that doesn't feel right, that this is gonna be unsafe, that this feels gross.

Fucking saved me.

It saved me.

Cause I know what would have happened.

I would have got on that plane.

I'm a beautiful young woman.

I have confidence.

I have a beautiful body at this time.

I still do.

But I had a beautiful body, right?

I am out there.

I am loud.

I am proud.

I would have got drunk and blasted because I was trying to drink away my pain from losing my husband.

I may have got drugged.

I may have said yes to doing drugs, because prior to that, I had done heaps of ecstasy with Gio, my husband.

I would have.

Who knows?

Who knows what would have happened?

And I probably would have met the kingpin and all the big people because I wasn't a small player.

And in my life, it's followed me.

I'm always somehow in some kind of spotlight.

And this is the problem also with magnetism.

When you are this person, you will attract.

You'll make noise.

People will notice you.

And is it good people or is it bad people?

Right?

What are we attracting?

But I feel really bad because you hear the stories of these women.

And I watched an interview the other day, and I just was like, holy shit.

Holy shit.

The amount of models and women in the industry that I've met that have done things, music videos, especially music videos, that I just go, baby, what are you doing?

I would even know back then, like, what are you doing with your self respect?

Like, come over here.

You don't have to do that.

You don't have to shake your ass like that.

You don't have to get half naked.

Like, you can say no.

What are they paying you, $500?

Like, come on.

And so I think it's a real big problem, or at least it was when I was in the modeling and music video space in America.

It was a very big problem because there was high demand, meaning lots of girls wanted to be in these music videos and magazines and fucking calendars and photo shoots and all.

There was no lack of women that wanted to be there.

So the demand was there.

However, they wouldn't pay much, and women would just throw themselves for $200, $500.

I think I did a music video.

It was $700, like, nothing.

And I was in a bikini.

So I'm very grateful that at that moment in time, I felt like, this feels gross.

This doesn't feel good.

Something feels wrong and off about this.

And.

No, actually, no, I'm not coming.

Actually, no, I'm gonna cancel.

Actually.

No, you can kiss my ass.

I'm not doing any of this.

This feels yuck.

And he was, like, apologizing.

No, I didn't mean that.

Goodbye.

See you never.

No.

And I missed out on an air quotes opportunity, maybe, but now, looking back, did I?

No, I probably missed out on being drugged and abused and God knows what.

And you hear the stories now and it's so sad.

Why am I mentioning this right now?

I didn't even know I had a puff daddy dodged fucking bullet story.

Like, I literally dodged a puff daddy bullet story.

I didn't even know I had one.

I forgot completely about it.

And when I started talking to my husband about it, I was like, oh, my God.

The thing that saved me, the thing that protected me, is literally, literally the thing that I believe that if women have, they don't stay in domestically violent relationships, they don't stay in jobs that they hate, they don't walk down the alleyways that are unsafe.

They don't say yes to catching up with someone that they met online that they feel doesn't feel safe, but they go anyway.

When we have this thing that is in me, that intuition, that self worth, that confidence that I don't know about, that, and trusting yourself, when you trust yourself, you don't put yourself in these positions.

And even if you are in these positions, you know that this doesn't feel good or safe, and you know to ask for help or walk away.

But when we deny our own intuition and we deny the voice and the feeling that's inside of us, when that's blocked and we don't even have it, and the validation from external is our true north, and what people think of us and how we can please other people is the loudest voice in us.

We get in trouble as women, we get in trouble.

In Australia, the domestic violence is next level.

We went up far north, Perth.

There's no police there.

the alcoholism in that little town.

Next level.

How many women are getting beat, how many people are in relationships, kids that are getting abused, and no one's there to help them.

When we don't listen to our intuition, and we're not tapped in, and we don't do the work on ourselves, and we don't have self worth, and we don't have self confidence, and our self esteem is low.

We get into trouble, ladies.

And so I wanted to share this story with you because I fully believe my mother made an impact on me 100%.

My abuse, my being taken from my mom, that kidnapping that I had when I was seven, from my dad, that resilience building the foster homes, the chopping and changing the different boyfriends that abused me, that weren't nice from my mom, all that shit that I went through built this spidey sense that I'm like, no, this does not feel good.

Even still, I have it.

And guess what?

You have it as well.

My question is, are you listening to it?

Are you tuned into it?

Is it turned up?

Or is it very low whisper that you have to really listen and get quiet?

Do you give yourself the time to think about saying yes, or do you just go, okay, yes.

Is that a yes for you?

Think about it.

Stop.

Check it out.

Feel into it.

How does your stomach feel?

How does your gut feel?

Should you walk down that alleyway?

Should you go to that bar?

Should you walk alone at night?

And look, I know that women are like, we should be able to walk alone at night.

I get it, girl.

We should.

But guess what?

The reality is.

We can't.

i'm like, girl, what you doing?

You should be able to, but you can't, so don't.

Why would we put ourselves in these positions and then some shit happens to us.

It's not worth it.

So if you're a mother, talk to your children about this.

Talk to your children about your body and autonomy and what feels weird and what doesn't.

I saw this meme on instagram.

Not meme.

It was like a quote, and it was like, don't teach your kids about stranger danger.

Teach them about strange behavior.

Because sometimes strangers are amazing, and it's their uncle or it's their cousin that abuses them, and it's not, you know, the stranger down the street.

Sometimes the behavior is actually not appropriate, and it's someone that they love, and then they know.

And if they're looking for a stranger, they will miss that.

I'm deeply grateful to my mom for teaching me that and for my abuse, because I was able to be switched on.

And I'm grateful that I dodged that fucking bullet, because can you imagine what that would have been like?

And to anyone listening to this who did go to a ditty party or had an experience, I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry that you had to go through that.

And I hope that you get the support you deserve, and I hope that you get the justice you deserve, because none of that was okay.

None of that is okay.

And I'm so happy that so many people are coming out and sharing their stories now.

And I'm so grateful.

I don't have a story like that to share.

I'm so grateful.

I really think it's important that we work on our mental health, that we work on our confidence, that we work on our self worth, that we heal the wounds and the traumas and the hard experiences from our past so that they don't continue to affect us in the future and in the now.

And we don't hand it down to our children.

I love you so much.

Thank you so much for listening, and I will see you next week.

Thank you so much for listening.

I freaking love you.

I appreciate it.

Thank you for your ears and your energy and your attention.

Thank you for letting me into your world.

And thank you so much for listening and tuning in to this podcast.

There are so many podcasts you could listen to, and I deeply, deeply, for real, for real appreciate you listening to mine.

Do me one big favor, one big thing.

Please share this episode or this podcast with a woman who you know needs to hear this.

This is my mission on planet Earth.

To serve as many women as possible so that we could show up, stand up, speak up, and create the confidence in the life that we desire.

I appreciate you, my love.

I will see you on the next episode.